I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
