That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
