Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
