Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
