sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
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