90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
