also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
