considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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