Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
