your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
