I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
