What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
