you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
