i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
