Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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