So drunk its hurt
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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