Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize