Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
