went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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