We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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