Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
