What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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