I don't think brook has ever known best
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
