DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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