I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
