Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
