Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize