she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
