and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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