omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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