I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
