you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
