then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
