Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
