1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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