I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
