Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
