If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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