Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
