That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
