Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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