I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
