He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
