I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
