my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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