you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize