laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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