he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
