it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
