Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize