I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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