It's Friday. Sex?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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