You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Randomize
