So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
