I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
