I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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