I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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