you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Drake has all the answers
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
