can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
