What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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