on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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