Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
