come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
