i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
