So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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