Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
