so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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