Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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