There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I wish there were birth control emojis
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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