I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
