If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I need moral support for this bender
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
