my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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